Difficult Beauty

…to get close to someone right now. So close that a relationship is formed and for a brief moment in time, that boyfriend/girlfriend link defines you and you don’t mind because it was what has made you happy. Becoming someone’s somebody. But then, always, it turns astray. It evolves. It changes into the thing you dread. Either you fall out of love or they do. And then it becomes a mad dash to who can break it off first. Who can ruin it the fastest. Who can claim the dignity at the end of the day so that they aren’t obliterated for the next relationship.

I used to be in the state where I was either happy I was with someone or unhappy that I wasn’t. Only those 2. I never want to go back to that again. And maybe that is why I am so comfortable not getting too attached to these guys I am going on these dates with. It’s the ideal option as opposed to getting to that place where I get so wound up over what they do, what they say, how they say it, how they think about me, where do they see this going, do they dream about me, what do they hate about me, how much do they want me to change, do they just want sex, is the sex good, what do they want, when will they get sick of me …

I am so incredibly pathetic. I don’t know when I will ever be completely comfortable being in a relationship again.